Queer Science
by leftrightbrain
Summary: Fill for a gkm prompt about a younger Blaine building a robot boyfriend. It went in a weird, dark direction. Crackfic, character death, smut and goofy fanon!Cooper ahead. Be forewarned!


**A/N: In case you missed it in the summary, this is a crackfic, not to be taken seriously. That said, there is character death, but nothing explicit. Turn back now if that's not your thing. Also there's smut, and dark humor, and Cooper.**

"Hmm, should the auto-lubrication system be single-chambered or double-chambered? The single reservoir system would be more challenging to design and to maintain, but it would be convenient for refills." Blaine was prone to talking to himself as he worked, to the point that he rarely realized he was doing it anymore. He ran his fingers through his curls, making them stick up wildly on end. The basement was prone to static that he knew wreaked havoc on his hair when he touched it, but it was a nervous habit that he had never been able to break.

Blaine whipped out a roll of paper from his stack of blueprints and spread it on the table in front of him, flipping the light switch to illuminate it from the bottom. He stacked a fresh piece of paper on top and began to trace the schematics for the lower abdomen, making the necessary corrections to the lubricant channels to lead to two separate reservoirs.

"On the other hand, it might be possible to integrate the auto-lubrication system with the preventative lubrication mechanism... but then I couldn't use specialized lube. It would probably have to be actual oil, and that might get sticky. Cleanup would be problematic. Flavors would be right out."

Fed up with his lack of progress, Blaine crumpled the piece of paper between his hands and tossed it at the wastebasket. For a moment, he considered scrapping the auto-lubrication system altogether. But what was the point of this project if he couldn't correct the basic design flaws of the human male?

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Blaine twirled his pencil impatiently, eyes fixed on the clock above his math teacher's head. The day was almost over, and the only class left to go was his favorite: Robotics Lab.

The bell rang and he bolted out of his seat, barely snagging his backpack by the strap in his haste. He wanted to get to the lab early and pick his teacher's brain, without getting specific enough to cast suspicion on his activities.

"Mr. Fisch, do you know of any good textbooks on programming AI?" Blaine exclaimed, bursting into the room.

"Aren't you getting a little ahead of yourself, Mr. Anderson? You haven't built a fully functioning machine to program, yet." The older man smiled at the rambunctious, large-eyed boy. Blaine reminded him a bit of himself, with his eager, open disposition and aptitude for mechanics.

"All the more reason why I should start working on the programming now, Mr. Fisch."

"Fine, I think I have something in my car that will help you. I'll get it for you at the end of the day. Just don't tell any of your classmates about this. I don't need to be lending out my whole robotics library to students."

Blaine's face broke into a huge grin. "Thanks! What's today's project, anyhow?"

"We're going to be studying vacuum chamber systems. Check this stuff out." The teacher hefted a large cardboard box onto his desk, and the two began to paw through it together, holding up tangles of tubing and rubber gaskets in a variety of sizes.

"I can see the wheels turning in your head, Blaine. Is inspiration striking as we speak?"

Blaine blushed slightly and dropped the gasket in his hands as if it had burned him. "No... nono, I'm just excited for class. That's all." He cleared his throat and hastened to his seat, making mental notes as he went.

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"Hey, B, mom wanted me to ask what you wanted for... dinner..." Cooper stopped short at the foot of the stairs, eyes wide with shock. "B... I think it's high time we had 'the talk.'"

Blaine scrambled to turn around, tripping over his pants and boxers that at the moment were pooled around his ankles. He was blushing bright red, from his hairline to the collar of his shirt. He managed to conceal his exposed groin, but struggled to remove the gasket from around the base of his cock. After a few awkward seconds of tugging and squeezing, he pulled his pants back up, the mechanism creating an unnatural bulge in his chinos.

As he absorbed Cooper's words, Blaine threw back his shoulders and attempted to look indignant. "Coop, there's a couple of things wrong with what you just said... first of all, mom and dad gave me 'the talk' last year... second of all, I hardly think 'the talk' is applicable to this situation. It's not like I'm going to catch an STD from this." He gestured to his lumpy crotch as he concluded.

"A couple of things, B... first of all, if you'd been safe and used a condom before fucking that gasket, you wouldn't be stuck right now. Second of all, I didn't mean that 'talk,' I meant the one about how to go about building a sex robot while avoiding comical injuries to your junk. But if you don't need your big brother's advice..." Cooper turned and hiked up a few steps.

"...Wait, Coop."

"Say it, B," Cooper said, turning with a wide, cheesy grin.

Blaine sighed. "I need your help."

"We've been over this, Blaine," Cooper said, folding his arms before his chest. "Say the whole thing."

Blaine rolled his eyes. "I need your help, Cooper, wisest man and most masterful actor in the universe."

Cooper grinned and trotted back down the steps. "Okay, first of all, baby brother, hold up the gasket to relieve the pressure, then think of dead kittens. And like I said, use a condom next time. Also, lock the door."

"But I won't be able to use a condom, the integrated lubricant system isn't going to be latex-safe... well, first thing's first." After several wincing minutes, Blaine was able to disengage his chafed cock from the tight rubber ring.

"B, I know it's tempting to simplify things by just having the system lubricant feed into the... um... other orifices, but do yourself a favor and put in the engineering work to put in a dedicated genital lubricant reservoir. Not just to have the option of using condoms, but more importantly, for taste and texture. And believe me, you'll get weird looks if you walk around smelling like an auto parts shop all the time."

Blaine blinked. His brother's words made a shocking amount of sense, but he still couldn't believe they were having this conversation. "Coop... how do you know so much about this stuff? You know what, I don't want to know. Any other pitfalls I should beware of?"

"Oh yeah. I mean, you'll want to go one size up on the gasket," Cooper nodded to the discarded rubber ring on the drafting table, "After you have that sorted, the next challenge is grip strength. Really gotta be careful with that. I have some formulas you can look at, with minor adjustments for preference."

"Grip strength?" Blaine looked bewildered.

"The hands, B," Cooper smirked. "Don't you want your sexbot to be fully functional? Sometimes a man just feels like getting a good hand job without having his johnson crushed into putty."

Blaine went pale. He hadn't even thought of that. "I'm so lucky to have you as a brother, Coop," he murmured.

"I know, I know, but you can thank me later. The next hurdle is the AI. Now, it'll be much, much easier for you, because all you gotta do is program a guy's brain. I was trying to build a woman, and I can barely understand the way a real woman's mind works, never mind programming a new one from scratch. What do you have so far? I'll tell you what, let me go get my laptop and we'll compare notes."

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Blaine said goodnight to Cooper after hours of collaboration on the AI programming. He went back down the stairs to the basement, still deep in thought. Blaine had school in the morning and he knew he should really get some sleep, but his mind was busy and he wasn't ready to stop working.

Besides, he was at a very interesting point in his research. Programming sexual techniques. Which skills would Blaine want to have in a mechanical sex partner?

The problem was that Blaine didn't really know what he liked, since he was a complete and utter virgin. He'd have to figure it out based on internet research. Fortunately, Google was his friend.

Two hours and six tissues later, Blaine decided that the safest course was to make the robot capable of everything, and experiment. Blaine had no idea what he'd end up liking best, but he wanted to... eventually... become sexually adventurous. Maybe, just maybe, building the robot was the way to accomplish that.

He spread the first page of his blueprints on the drafting table and picked up his pencil, thinking for a moment before titling the page, in big block letters, right across the top of the page.

"Kinky and Unlimited Robotic Toy."

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After three weeks of long, sleepless nights and days spent trudging through his classes like a zombie, Blaine was finally ready to try out K.U.R.T. He waited until Friday, so that he would have the whole weekend to make any needed adjustments, or if he got so distracted by K.U.R.T.'s abilities that he didn't want to leave his room.

Cooper had flown back to Los Angeles two weeks prior, but before he left they had worked the kinks out of the lubrication system and almost perfected the AI. Blaine had spent some additional time tweaking the Compliment subroutines, since his ego needed far less reassurance than Cooper's.

Blaine had also programmed algorithms for musical aptitude and singing, intending for his boyfriend to serve as a duet partner as well. Blaine needed to practice if he was going to audition for the Warbler's next year. K.U.R.T.'s range should prove to be far beyond human hearing, free from the limitations of mortal vocal chords.

Blaine had meant to take a nap when he got home from school, but he was too excited to wait. He grabbed a soda from the fridge and bolted down the stairs, flipping on his equipment and spinning around in his chair before scooting up to the control panel.

As the machinery hummed to life, Blaine inspected K.U.R.T. one final time. He admired the clear complexion, cast in textured rubber and painted to a remarkably lovely, pale tone. He was lifelike but ever so slightly otherworldly, with rosy circles permanently applied to his cheeks. The trim torso was perfectly proportioned, long and lean with exquisite angles leading down to curvy buttocks.

Best of all were the eyes. Blaine had embedded mica in the orbs around the optic apertures, to be functional as an insulator as well as decorative. The eyes reflected the blue-green sheaths of their internal wiring. The result was eerily beautiful, glittering and lively but completely artificial at the same time. It still gave Blaine chills to pry open the doll lashes and look at them, and he couldn't wait to see K.U.R.T. turned on.

Holding his breath, he pushed the big red button. The lashes flipped open instantly.

"Master?" K.U.R.T. asked, blinking slowly, his mechanical pupils sliding open as he took in the sight of his creator.

"You... you can call me Blaine. Your name is K.U.R.T.," Blaine said haltingly.

"Blaine," K.U.R.T. said, trying out the word on his spongy tongue. "I am to serve you, Blaine?"

"Well, not exactly," Blaine said, remembering that he had in fact programmed K.U.R.T. to say that, following Cooper's template. "You are to be my boyfriend. My partner."

"Partner," K.U.R.T. said, "My function is... to make you feel good?"

"That's one important one, yes," Blaine said, rubbing the back of his head.

"My function is also... to love you?" "I would like that if you could, sure."

"Very well, master. I love you." K.U.R.T. said.

"I told you, call me Blaine. And you don't have to say that just yet. Love is really complicated, and we have all weekend to figure it out."

"Understood. Blaine, I like you. My database indicates that liking someone is a typical precedent to romantic love or friendship."

"I like you too, K.U.R.T.," Blaine said, grinning shyly.

"Master? Blaine?" K.U.R.T. said, reaching out an elegant hand to brush through his curls, "May I do something about that hair?"

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As light streamed in through the glass block basement windows, Blaine stirred. His eyes fluttered open, and for a moment he was still captivated by his dreams.

A boy, a beautiful teenage boy, flesh and blood like himself. With a high, joyful laugh, with confidence that shone even on dark days. With real emotions and a true, human sex drive, that wanted Blaine of his own free will.

Blaine remembered where he was, and idly stroked the mechanical limbs that cradled him. The spooning script seemed to be functioning perfectly.

He was falling fast for his robot companion, even if he wasn't a "real boy." K.U.R.T. couldn't help being a robot. He could only be as he was made, as Blaine had created him.

"Good morning, Blaine," K.U.R.T. said, noticing that his master was awake. "Do you require nourishment? Perhaps a caffeinated beverage? May I remind you, that you have yet to install the espresso maker into one of my auxiliary slots, but I would be glad to bring you coffee from upstairs, or from the cafe down the street."

"Coffee sounds wonderful, K.U.R.T. Why don't you go to the cafe, and I'll get together our work for the day?" Blaine tried to make his voice sound casual, but in truth he was nervous, far more nervous than he had expected to be. Yes, today was the day he would lose his virginity, but he was going to lose it to his own personal sex-bot. Barring mechanical failure, there was zero chance of rejection.

K.U.R.T. smiled stiffly and walked up the stairs. Blaine booted up his laptop and activated the sex database. He wanted to wait to make sure that K.U.R.T. was functioning properly before installing those particular algorithms.

"Blaine, here is your coffee. My predictive programming suggested that you may also desire a biscotti, but was unable to determine whether almond or chocolate chip would be your preferred flavor. I have procured both."

Blaine smiled and took the paper bag from his boyfriend's outstretched hand, sniffing deeply before taking a big bite of the chocolate chip biscotti.

"I have made a note of your preferences, master. What is our task for the day?" K.U.R.T. asked.

Blaine cleared his throat and shifted from one foot to the other, bringing a hand up to his hair before encountering the industrial lubricant that now tamed the unruly curls and prevented static shock.

"K.U.R.T., do you remember when you were first activated?" Blaine asked.

"Of course I do, master. I asked if I was to serve you, and if I was to make you feel good."

"That's right, K.U.R.T.," Blaine couldn't help but grin at the android, who was looking at him with detached curiosity. "It's time for you to learn about making me feel good."

"Wonderful, master." K.U.R.T. tilted his head. "The necessary database seems to be absent."

"That's right. Here, let me see your data portal." Blaine held out a cable, gesturing to K.U.R.T.'s neck.

K.U.R.T. pivoted his head to the right, exposing a barely-noticeable horizontal slit below his left ear. Blaine inserted the cable through the access aperture, plugging it into his data portal. K.U.R.T.'s eyes flew open as the information downloaded.

"I understand, Blaine. The download is complete." Blaine eased forward hesitantly and detached the cable.

"K.U.R.T., how do you feel?"

"I feel... gay. Definitely gay." K.U.R.T. turned to Blaine, wetting his lips with lubricant. "Would you like a kiss, master?"

"I... I would like that, K.U.R.T.," Blaine said.

The robot leaned forward, placing his hands on either side of Blaine's face. Clicks emanated from his face as he engaged his jaw mechanism, before moving forward decisively to capture Blaine's lips.

The kiss was unexpectedly warm and moist. Blaine groaned at the contact, and at the feeling of a mechanically perfect mashing of the rubbery lips against his own. There was something else, too: a warm tingle in his chest that slowly spread all over his body. Blaine wrapped his arms around K.U.R.T.'s waist, pressing their bodies together in enthusiasm. He knew then that he was beginning to develop true feelings for his creation.

K.U.R.T. pulled away after ninety seconds of kissing. He stroked Blaine's cheek rhythmically. "I love you, Blaine," he said.

Blaine blinked and took a step back. "K.U.R.T., why did you say that just now?"

"The database indicated that it would be the appropriate followup to a kiss."

Blaine sighed. "Right. K.U.R.T., don't say that again. Not unless you really feel it. Okay?"

K.U.R.T. blinked. "Does not compute, master. Really feel?"

"Don't worry about it." Blaine shook his head. "But don't say 'I love you' just because you think you should. That's always a bad idea."

"Very well, master," K.U.R.T. said, "would you like a blow job now? My database indicates that as an alternative followup to a kiss."

"Um, not now, K.U.R.T."

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Three days later, Blaine awoke in K.U.R.T.'s arms once again. This time, his dreams had been about cool, rubbery arms, and eyes that glinted with a silicate shine. He twisted around in his boyfriend's grasp, and as he did so his morning wood brushed against K.U.R.T.'s lap.

"Master," K.U.R.T. said, brushing a lock of hair out of Blaine's eyes, "I would like to serve you now."

"Huh?" Blaine said sleepily, nuzzling up against the android's neck. "What are you talking about, beautiful?"

"Your predicament. The one that is probing my thigh," K.U.R.T. clarified, "My database indicates that I can help you with that. It would make you feel good," he added.

Blaine blushed, looking down between them at the tent in his pants. "I suppose I would like that, K.U.R.T." He shivered with a combination of excitement and nerves.

K.U.R.T. swiftly scooped Blaine up and settled him onto his back, then tugged his pajama pants down past his knees. The robot engaged the auto-lubrication channels for his oral aperture, retracted his teeth and performed a routine check on the calibration of his grip strength before lowering his mouth down to Blaine's cock.

Blaine gasped as the gasket system slid right down to the base of his cock, then moaned as the vacuum engaged. "Ohmygod, K.U.R.T., that's incredible," he moaned. "A little more lube, then it'll be perfect."

A quiet "squelch" could be heard as K.U.R.T. prompted his system to increase the lubrication rate. He began to massage the underside of Blaine's cock with his tongue, leaving the human squirming under his touch.

"K.U.R.T., baby, I'm not going to last at this rate," Blaine gasped.

K.U.R.T. continued his actions without slowing, and moments later, Blaine came hard into his waiting oral aperture.

"Did that make you feel good, Blaine?" K.U.R.T. asked, engaging his oral self-cleaning cycle.

"That was the most incredible thing I've ever felt," Blaine responded, rubbing his eyes. "It felt a little too good, actually. I would have liked for it to have lasted a little longer."

K.U.R.T. tilted his head, cross-referencing his sex database. "What is your preferred duration for oral copulation, master?"

Blaine shook his head, trying to process the words. "Um, I don't know. Longer than that. That was my first time doing that, so I don't know exactly."

K.U.R.T. tiled his head the other way, considering this information. "Some empirical research is in order. Please advise when you are once again able to provide data points."

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Blaine flipped on top of K.U.R.T. on the mattress, licking into his oral aperture and moaning softly. These days, K.U.R.T.'s makeout logarithms were highly developed. He never wanted to stop kissing his robot boyfriend, and his robot boyfriend literally never would stop if that's what Blaine chose.

"Blaine, your biological reactions indicate that your arousal has increased to an uncomfortable level. Would you like for me to make you feel good?" K.U.R.T. asked.

"Sure, beautiful," Blaine murmured. "What would you like me to do for you, master?" "Surprise me."

K.U.R.T. flipped Blaine over roughly, pressing his knees apart. In seconds, Blaine was stripped naked on the mattress by expert mechanical fingers.

"Um, well, maybe don't surprise me," Blaine squeaked. "What would you like to do, K.U.R.T.?"

"There is nothing I would like to do, except please you. However, my database suggests that 'going all the way' is an appropriate step at this juncture," K.U.R.T. said, with another slight head tilt.

Blaine's heart skpped a beat. "D...does it now? That's... an excellent database..."

K.U.R.T. blinked languidly. "I should hope that you made good choices while programming me, master. Would you like to go all the way now?"

"Yes, please," Blaine whispered. He truly was ready for this, though he had no clue what he was doing. "K.U.R.T., I need for you to tell me what to do."

"Blaine, why can't you check your own database?" K.U.R.T. asked, brow creased in a perfect imitation of human confusion.

"It doesn't work that way for humans, K.U.R.T. Please, just tell me what I should do," Blaine smiled shyly as he spoke.

"Very well, master. Lie on your back and bend your knees." As Blaine complied, K.U.R.T. gently spread his boyfriend's legs. He lowered his oral aperture to Blaine's puckered, pink entrance, activating his tongue extension. As a precaution, he engaged the supplemental lubricant as well.

"Holy fucking hell, K.U.R.T.!" Blaine screamed.

K.U.R.T. retracted his tongue. "Master? Your response, though emphatic, was ambiguous. Are you in distress?"

Blaine groaned at the sudden loss of sensation. "I'll only be in distress if you stop. Please do that some more. Ohhh, K.U.R.T.!"

K.U.R.T. was gratified that his master was pleased. He increased his tongue extension to its maximum range, until it was buried eight inches deep inside of Blaine, twirling furiously.

Blaine arched his back off of the bed, moaning K.U.R.T.'s name. He began to stroke his cock, unable to resist the additional stimulation. "K.U.R.T., I need you inside of me. Now."

Blaine squeaked and his eyes bugged out as the robotic tongue whipped back out of his asshole and was replaced by K.U.R.T.'s thick, rubber cock. Blaine had to remember not to speak quite so literally during sex.

"Woah, woah, woah, K.U.R.T.," Blaine gasped. "Hold still for a minute."

"Of course, Master," K.U.R.T. said, "The database dictates that I am to hold this position until you advise me to thrust. I await your response."

Blaine threw his head back against the mattress. This wasn't exactly how he had imagined his first time would be, but it was strangely exciting nonetheless. He focused on relaxing from his head to his toes, especially his internal muscles.

"Okay, K.U.R.T., you can thrust." Blaine moaned.

K.U.R.T. began a pattern of thrusts, computed for Blaine's maximum pleasure and escalation towards orgasm.

"Holy shit, K.U.R.T., you're hitting the spot, all right. That feels so amazing," Blaine gasped.

"Vectors," K.U.R.T. purred, leaning down to kiss Blaine on the forehead.

"Right. I remember." Blaine said. "You're so perfect, K.U.R.T. Don't stop. It feels so good. You are making me feel good, K.U.R.T."

Blaine did feel very good indeed, but somehow he felt compelled to let his boyfriend know. Like it was exactly what he wanted to hear.

"Pleasing you is a priority, master," K.U.R.T. said, "shall I accelerate?"

"God, yes, baby!" Blaine gasped.

K.U.R.T. increased his thrusts until Blaine's back was rubbing roughly against the sheets, and the burning inside of him became uncomfortable. "K.U.R.T.," he panted, "maybe you should ease off a little bit."

"Protocol dictates that you utilize a safe word if you wish a decrease in sensation, master."

"Right, very good," Blaine said, fluttering open his eyes. "So, what's the safe word?"

"I cannot tell you that mid-coitus. Protocol dictates that safe words be pre-established. In absence of a safe word, stimulation should not cease." K.U.R.T. continued to accelerate, calculating a vector that allowed him to pound directly into Blaine's prostate.

Blaine was breathing in ragged pants, his mind completely blown by the combination of pleasure and pain. "K...U...R...T!" he screamed.

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The handsome young man, his chiseled features wracked with anguish, stepped up to the podium, thanking and shaking the hand of the man who had previously occupied the spot. Cooper's fine bone structure and glossy hair were set off perfectly by the dark, exquisitely tailored Armani suit he wore. He glanced at the casket beside him, wiped away a tear and began to speak.

"Thank you for being here today. I know my parents are grateful, and my baby brother would have been happy to know that he was so loved."

"We're here today to remember a life cut short. Blaine was... so much. Talented, brilliant, fuzzy. This tragedy takes him before he could develop into the dapper, charming young man I always thought he could be. But even in his awkward teenage years, he was beautiful."

"More than anything, my brother was ambitious. But like Icarus, he flew too close to the sun. He pursued his dreams with a passion unrivaled by any of the aspiring actors I've met in Hollywood, where I'm a successful commercial actor looking to expand into film in stage, my agent's name is MacNew and he's in the book... anyway, Blaine was super passionate, but he flew too close to the sun. Like Icarus, the experience was rather dehydrating. And like Icarus, the end result was totally messy..."

K.U.R.T. sat in the balcony in silence, save for the soft clicks and whirrs of his internal organs. He had engaged his self-cleaning cycle sixty-three times since Blaine's body was discovered, but nothing could ever make him truly clean again.

A single tear of 10W-30 rolled down his soft, rubber cheek, silent but for the soft "squelch" of his paranasal lubricant reservoir activating to release the liquid.

"I love you, master."

**This story is complete, that's all there is and all there shall be. So, what did you think? :)**


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